Boudoir shoot and Tantric sex

A couple of years ago I took a lot of nudes. Lots! And I would get turned on by them. I always shared this little detail with my friends and their reactions had me think they were disturbed and thought there was something wrong with me, but I recently learnt that they were amused by the whole thing. Shocked, but not in a bad way.

Since I started studying medicine, something shifted in me; I couldn’t pose for the camera anymore. Hell, I barely took selfies so that pleasurable feeling I always gave myself had just vanished. Perhaps it also had to do with the poor lighting and very little space I had at my new place. Whatever the reason, I’d just get as far as saying, “Oh, I used to have such thrilling sessions” when looking at old pictures of myself, and nothing [physical] would stir in me. I had gone two whole years without feeling that sexy until about a month or two ago when my partner and I entertained the idea of having a boudoir shoot ("boudoir photography is a photographic style featuring intimate, sensual, romantic, and sometimes erotic images") and role-playing.

I set money aside to get new lingerie, I was so excited that not even a rainy day would let me screw that plan up. We went shopping together. It was meant to be a solo occasion and a surprise for him, but something about him accompanying me was exhilarating. How he walked around, eyeing those undergarments, and imagining me in them set an undeniably erotic tone for the weekend. We were both excited, and maybe a bit too much, because when we got to his place, one of the first things we did was have me try them on. I looked stunning, gorgeous, alluring, like a prize, and I couldn’t help but imagine how the pictures would look in black & white, framed, and covering every corner of my bedroom (and maybe one hanging over a fireplace somewhere). For the rest of the evening and the next morning, flashes of my reflection held me hostage and there was absolutely nothing else I could think about. When the time to have the shoot came, I put on the first set of lingerie (and I already had a few sips of dry red) and, like I was seeing it for the first time, what the mirror reflected was an aphrodisiac. Damn!

Hello everyone! I am back, but only temporarily because my day job is way too demanding and I have become the biggest fan of spending my free time being passive. Well, that was until I was reminded of my other commitment – taking as many women as I possibly can with me through this journey of sexual liberation! So to those returning, thank you so much for the continued support, and to those joining us for the first time, welcome and I hope you will become a permanent consumer of this, for lack of a better word, interesting content.

I’m writing this post for three main reasons, and they are in no particular order: sharing an amazing experience, the importance of scheduling sex, and reviving/maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship. Let’s get right into it…

First things first, what do I mean by “scheduling sex”?

Just like how we schedule lunch with a friend or yoga class at a specific time, our sex lives also deserve to be given the same amount of dedication, if not more. Everyone’s busy and if no one in a sexual commitment (especially those in long term relationships) doesn’t go out and say, “Hey, I think we should hang out Saturday afternoon, switch our phones off and just spend quality time together,” then it’s only fair to expect the predictable course of intimacy in most long term relationships – it will cease to exist.

The first time I came across the idea of scheduling sex I was completely baffled by it. I kept imagining those unhappy couples in movies who would set reminders every Friday at 8 pm to have sex with their partners because that’s the only time in the week they can tolerate and pretend to like each other. Also, the loss of spontaneity didn’t help to sell the idea. Clinical sexologists Dr. Moali (Sexology podcast) and Catriona Boffard (Asking for a friend podcast) have, on some occasions, explained to their listeners that despite popular belief, most times sex is premeditated. Sometimes the real reason for putting on your best lingerie and dress, and grooming before your date, is to seduce and be ready for whatever the outcome of the evening is. One might be consciously or subconsciously thinking about even the slightest possibility of ending up naked – or fully dressed, but with their date’s hands up their inner thighs – at the end of the night 🤷🏾‍♀️

Another thing I want to clarify is that, there are many ways to be intimate and that not all roads lead to sex of any kind. So partners may decide to give each other sensual massages, read erotic novels to each other, have a photoshoot, cuddle (with or without clothes), or even cook together (I know my partner would do anything to get me to the kitchen 😉). The whole point is to make time to be intimate again. Perhaps, we should use the term ‘scheduling intimacy’, rather than ‘scheduling sex’.

I’ve spoken about my boudoir shoot and scheduling intimacy, what I haven’t touched on is Tantric sex and you might be wondering what the hell it is...

Barbara Carrellas wrote the book Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century. “Sacred sex”. It’s a thing, people, and those who practice it swear by it! To be honest, I don’t understand what Tantra is. Yes, I have listened to a podcast where Barbara spoke about it and her book, but I’m not an auditory learner so for me to grasp things, I need to read. That’s how I got my hands on her book earlier this year. Unfortunately, for reasons I can’t remember, I never got past the first chapter. There was a time I looked for some quick Tantra videos on YouTube and after watching only one, I thought it looked silly and dramatic. So like everyone who sees something unfamiliar and not exactly aligning with their personality, I shat on it and didn’t give it a second thought. However, quite recently when I watched The Bold Type, I came across it again. This time it looked sexy and like something I most definitely wanted to do.

From the little that I do understand about Tantra, it is an expansion of energy (of any kind) in the body. Where Tantric sex is concerned, it is about the flow of sexual/erotic energy (yours and your partner’s) throughout the body. People who have been practicing it claim to even have orgasms without even touching themselves or being touched by their partners. It’s all about trust, setting no end-goals, and it all comes down to breathing properly and maintaining eye contact (if with a partner).

“Breath is powerful. It can produce so much extraordinary pleasure that it will amaze you. Once you become familiar with moving erotic energy around on your breath, you’ll find all your erotic encounters to be much more fulfilling. Your orgasms will be longer and deeper. Eventually, you’ll find yourself using breath techniques in non-erotic situations to bring erotic energy to more and more areas of your life” – Barbara Carrellas.

So basically, we just have to breathe properly? Purposeful and controlled deep breaths are the key to energy expansion. Similar to/exactly like meditation, directing the flow of your breath to specific parts of the body helps direct the flow of erotic energy. This is how some people can experience mind-blowing full-body orgasms instead of just orgasms in and around the genitals. Fascinating isn’t it? Who in their right mind wouldn’t want that?

In addition to proper breathing, there must be sound. Producing the sound 'aah' almost like you’re in the throes of pleasure, with maybe some pelvic movements, gives you better chances of filling your whole body with this explosive erotic energy.

As beginners, we started with the classic Tantric position – which is what they showed on The Bold Type – the ‘Yab Yum’ or sitting position, which can be with or without clothes (I kept my lingerie on). I thought it’d be better to insert a picture of this position from Barbara's book instead of trying to describe it in words:

We then focused on and synced our breaths while maintaining eye contact. We felt silly at first, but as the minutes passed, I felt it grow on us (or rather, in us!). It was unbelievable, I scowled at myself for ridiculing this at first! The build-up was insane, I’m pretty sure the wine and the boudoir shoot played a role in this, but I also couldn’t deny how close to my partner I felt. The rest of the world simply did not exist and his energy was also resonating in me. As expected (and I’m not beating myself up for this), I broke the number one rule of Tantric sex: don’t give in to your natural impulses of kissing and touching each other. I was supposed to keep breathing and see where all the energy I had built up flowed. As I said, it was intense and I couldn’t help myself so I gave in!

I am looking forward to doing that again, but properly next time. For this reason, I started reading the book again but I skipped to the later chapters that discuss the importance of breath. I love that she also gives techniques to help train her readers. Also included in the book are the different Tantric positions – in words and illustrations – which is very awesome and practical. So if you are also interested in learning more about Tantric sex, let me know in the comments section below and I will happily work on writing a different post for that!

This felt very long when I wrote it but I enjoyed every second of the process. I’ve missed writing and I feel like I laid myself bare on this one. I do hope you enjoyed and took something out of it. Let me know what you think, and thank you so much for making it to the end. Until next time ✌🏾.