"Whether it comes from a lover, a bathtub, a teddy bear, a dildo, a finger, a tongue, or a vibrator, an orgasm is an orgasm, is an orgasm. From mild to intense, alone or with a partner, no two orgasms will ever be exactly alike." - Betty Dodson, Sex for One.
Sigmund Freud 'the father of psychology' believed that clitoral orgasms were immature, "infantile", that female pleasure and eroticism should shift from the clitoris to the vagina with the progression to adulthood. Women who then couldn't get vaginal orgasms were labeled as "frigid" - unable or unwilling to respond to sexual stimulus or achieve an orgasm during sexual intercourse. This frigidity was also linked to lesbianism, which was considered a mental illness at the time. Yikes! No wonder women desperately feel the need to reach orgasm, especially during intercourse, the conditioning runs too deep. Don't want to be diagnosed with psychosexual immaturity and psychosis? Go ahead and fake an orgasm, ma'am!
From 1957 till the early '90s, William Masters and Virginia Johnson took a more female-centred approach to their studies of the human sexual response. It was only then that some light was shed into women's sexuality and pleasure. Freud's word, unfortunately, had already been buried deep into women's psychology, and the frigidity label continued to exist many generations later, creating unnecessary performance anxiety associated with the obsession to achieve and reach the ultimate goal during sex - an orgasm.
During the course of the week, I received responses to the questions I had posed to women in preparation for this post. I would like to say a big thank you to every woman who took the time to engage, I highly appreciate it. In an attempt to include all women, I had two sets of questions, one for those who have reached orgasm at some point in their lives and the other for those who've never. Unfortunately, I only managed to get responses (five) from the former. Before we get to these, I just want to share some of the important findings on the stages of arousal from Masters and Johnson's studies:
Excitement - a woman's body begins to respond to sexual stimuli. Blood rushes to and engorges the stimulated parts. Clitoral and labial swelling, vaginal lubrication, and nipple sensitivity - amongst other things - take place during this stage. Heart rate and blood pressure start to pick up.
Plateau - as a precursor to orgasm, sexual tension builds up. Blood particularly rushes to and engorges the outer third of the vagina. Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate continue to rise.
Orgasm - (the shortest phase) rhythmic contractions of the uterus, vagina, pelvic floor muscles, and sometimes muscles throughout the body, occur. A warm feeling in the pelvis may spread to the rest of the body. This is the release of sexual tension.
Resolution - the body relaxes, heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate return to normal.
How old were you when you had your first orgasm?
The women experienced their first orgasms between the ages of 20 and 23 years. Interestingly though, two of them said they thought they had orgasms way before their "first one." I couldn't help but think that after they experienced their most intense orgasm, they may have disregarded all the smaller, less dramatic ones they previously had. I asked one of the women about the possibility and she said, "honestly? I don't know."
Was it what you had expected? Did you instantly know you were having one?
"It definitely wasn't what I expected. It was unreal and amazing. I didn't know what it was at first."
The responses ranged from "I didn't know I was having one until I didn't have one" to "I just knew I was having one when my body sent out involuntary spasms." One woman said her first orgasm "felt like a spiritual invasion, like an explosion just taking its time to finesse me inside out" and that she literally couldn't do anything for a second but just lie there in disbelief. Damn! I'm here for it all, alright!
All women had one thing in common: their first orgasms were definitely not what they had expected.
Has it always been easy for you to reach orgasm?
I realised as I was reading the responses that this was a poor and lazy choice of words. We wouldn't be having this huge pleasure/orgasm gap if women's orgasms were 'easy' to get.
"No. It's never easy for me to reach any type of orgasm, even the weak, not so life-altering ones." They also brought up the unfortunate reality that "some men know nothing about that type of intimacy" and that male pleasure is still regarded as superior. To the penis owners reading this, you've been urged to know your way around your partner's body. All you have to do is ask and listen.
All five women agreed that "[reaching orgasm] might be one of the most difficult things when it comes to sex."
What made you climax the first time?
To my delight, two of the respondents got their first orgasms from masturbating! The rest had their firsts during partner sex. It was the "beautifully delivered long and slow strokes, partially on account of instructions and mostly having taken their time in learning and understanding what my body wants," clitoral play and oral sex before the actual penetration that did it for them.
Describe how your most intense orgasm felt and what made it stand out
"Any other orgasm was a weak burst of pleasure really. [As] I mentioned, it really felt like a spiritual invasion, like a build-up, like finally being able to get to that itchy part of your back someone keeps missing. I don't know, it's not like anything I can put into words, just a bunch of comparisons that'll never match up to the actual experience." Her most intense orgasm changed her whole perspective on pleasure.
I'm convinced that women experience the juiciest and most interesting pleasure! One of them said her most intense orgasm felt like she had three of them at the same time. She was so relaxed (or drained?) she slept afterward.
"I thought my first orgasm was intense but it wasn't as earth-shattering as the second one. I was shaking and I didn't want the feeling to go away [...] I don't know how to describe how I felt but damn..." Damn indeed, I can't be the only one feeling the heat right now!
"I happened to find some nerves in my body and some corners that actually sent me off more than anything." This was after she had masturbated.
"It was an uncontrollable and unfamiliar feeling. I felt myself tingle and it was intensified by the fact that I was experiencing this for the first time with someone I was deeply in love with."
Can you reach orgasm with penetrative sex only? Anal or vaginal?
"Actually, it depends on my mood. Most of the time I can't, but if I am having an intense feeling, be it sadness, anger, or happiness, then penetrative sex can make me reach orgasm."
"I can but it needs a specific touch or technique. You can't be pounding me senseless to a point where I can't even walk, that time I felt absolutely nothing." We say no to unworthy debilitation!
The other women called themselves "clit-babies" so I guess this is the perfect time to get cliterate.
No specifics on the preference of anal or vaginal penetration were given.
Do you rely only on clitoral stimulation? If not, specify.
"And penetration, which is the one I prefer actually."
The "clit-babies" came to play here too. One woman admitted that as much as clitoral stimulation is important, she also needed to be "kissed and nibbled on for intense pleasure." Sorry partners, we don't take short cuts here!
Have you ever masturbated?
YES! YES! YES!
"I masturbate all the time, sometimes while my partner is watching. I have an incredibly high libido and my partner is not always there to assist. It was also important for me to discover my own body and figure out what works for me." Please give this deserving queen with an admirable 'sex-esteem' her crown already!
I was beyond ecstatic to learn that these women aren't strangers to masturbation. Unfortunately, one did express the sense of guilt she felt after masturbating because of the stigma it carries.
If you have masturbated, how do orgasms from masturbation compare to those from partner sex?
"I think they are more intense simply because of the level of intimacy involved. No one knows you better than yourself, you can try and teach them your ways and have them adding a couple of twists but hey, it'll never match up really."
One woman said she considers herself difficult to please so she relies on masturbation for her orgasmic experiences. But there's no one formula for every woman, solo sex for some may be their best bet but other women feel that orgasms from their partners "definitely feel much better than when [they] masturbate."
What was the shortest time you took to climax?
Most women couldn't recall and I honestly don't blame them. Let's reserve the stopwatches in the bedroom for research purposes only.
Those who did recall gave me times ranging from 5 seconds to 3 minutes.
What was the longest time you took to climax?
"10 minutes"
"After three rounds"
"Can't recall."
No orgasm.
Do you ever feel pressured to reach orgasm during sex with a partner?
"No I don't. I just enjoy how the stimulation feels but when solo, I just want to orgasm."
"Not really. I think once you have orgasmed while masturbating you just wonder how it would feel like during [partner] sex."
Two of the respondents have felt pressure - one from a partner and the other from herself, "I don't know how he'd react if I didn't, even though he says it would be ok."
What advice would you give women struggling to reach orgasm?
"Masturbate! That's it! Once you know what you want, it's easier to teach your [partner]."
"I think just relax. Relax, baby. For yourself, just relax. Women tend to think too hard during sex and that's one of our biggest curses. Do things that'll relax you or ease you into the mood; shower if you're one of those people always worrying about body odour, do some pre-play before foreplay. Try having a drink or 5, try talking to your partner, tell them exactly what you need and when you need it. If you don't reach orgasm, it's okay to find pleasure in the entire experience. You know your body, you can't always rely on your partner to figure out what it is you need to send you over. Some things you must be as involved and sometimes it's just a matter of being vocal. Either way, get your own, sis."
"Read about it. You will find what will work for you. Just relax."
"Not everyone has it easy. If the sex is great, why stress yourself?"
"Don't rush it or pressure yourself. Also, be vocal about what does and doesn't work for you. You deserve an orgasm too."
Is there anything else you'd like to add?
"It's probably obvious but have fun, ladies. Sex isn't meant to be such a serious activity; play around a bit even if you get clumsy sometimes and some things don't make sense. Talk each other through your mistakes, misunderstandings and awkwardness, and just have fun. Talk to each other even during sex, you'll find that it brings you the proper comfort you need to relax and just experiment as well, which is equally important."
"Be comfortable in yourself in order to get the most out of sex. Discomfort in your own self will make you uncomfortable [during sex]."
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
A big and maybe obvious YES!
I certainly enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading it, too. I hope you learnt a lot from what these women shared about their orgasmic experiences. If you enjoy posts of this nature and would like me to do more of them, please let me know in the comments section below. Here's a list of the resources I used for this post:
If you are more of a series person, check out Masters of Sex to follow the work of researchers, Masters and Johnson.
Thank you for choosing to learn with me. Have a productive week ahead, we will have fun again next weekend. Stay safe and continue spreading the love.
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