I would like us to see other people

"Whatever it is that is a dream for you, you will be able to pursue your dreams if you're married to me. And whether that you want to be able to bike across the country, or you need to have a relationship with someone else, as long as it doesn't endanger the marriage, as long as it's not distracting, that's okay." - Untrue, Wednesday Martin.

Hello again, everyone. I hope you're feeling excellent this afternoon. Have you ever wondered why eyebrows are seldom raised and loyalties never questioned when one introduces one more friend to a group of five others? Yeah, I never really wonder. I have maybe over a dozen of friends, everywhere! Out of these, at least seven of them are my best friends - I love them equally but differently because each one of them brings something different into the friendship. I never expect more than what each of them can offer. Boy problems? I have a guy for that. Drinking buddies? I definitely have a guy or three to fulfill that role, too (this works both ways, I mean I would expect them to come running to me for evidence-based sex information😏). I am, however, 100% monogamous when it comes to romantic relationships! Platonic love vs romantic love, where do we even begin to compare? That's not the question we're looking to answer today though. Today, we're going to talk about consensual non-monogamy - an alternative to traditional monogamy. I hope you enjoy it.

What is consensual non-monogamy (CNM)?

My favourite podcast, Sexology, hosted by clinical psychologist Dr. Moali discussed this topic on its 154th episode with researcher Dr. Amy C Moors. Dr. Moors defined CNM as "an umbrella term describing a lot of different relationships where all of the people involved are giving explicit consent to engage in intimate, romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people."

Here are some examples of CNM relationships:

1. Open relationships. This is when a couple agrees to have extradyadic sexual relations, i.e., multiple sexual partners. However, no romantic relationship should be sought out of the primary relationship.

2. Polyamory. Similar to, but differs from open relationships in that, polyamorous couples can have multiple romantic partners concurrently.

3. Swingers. These are couples who engage in extradyadic sex with another couple - simply put, they temporarily swap partners. Some swingers prefer everyone having sex in the same room because they are aroused by watching their partners receiving pleasure from someone else, and/or they want to have more than one swap. Some, however, are not comfortable seeing their partners being pleasured by someone else so it's best for them not to be in the same room.

4. Cuckolding/cuckqueaning. This is when a man ('cuckold') or woman ('cuckquean') finds sexual pleasure and gratification in letting their partners have sex with other people, provided that they can watch or at least hear about it - in great detail - later. In the cuckolding context, the unfaithful wife is commonly referred to as the 'hotwife' and the man with whom she's having sex with being the 'bull'. There is often an element of masochism or humiliation as the 'cuck' may get aroused by being called a lousy lover, or having their penis sizes compared to their partner's current lover's. In instances where the cuck is not around during the sexual act, the humiliation may also be in the form of "the cleanup" as described in Untrue - "What makes it erotic is that my woman is really enjoying herself [with the bull] then comes back to me and humiliates me by saying, 'Now it's your turn to have me. You can taste what the other guy left behind.'"

What are some benefits enjoyed by people in CNM relationships?

According to Dr. Moors' research, people in CNM relationships - just like those in monogamous ones - enjoy family benefits, trust, love, communication, and sexual benefits from their relationships. However, three unique benefits of CNM were highlighted:

1. Diversified need fulfillment. This speaks to the satisfaction brought about by having multiple people meeting different needs and not expecting one person to be everything.

2. Activity variety. Having different people meeting different needs in the relationship brings a sense of novelty - sexual or non-sexual.

3. Personal growth and development. CNM relationships create a space where women can practice autonomy and sexual agency without fear of stigmatization. "And, furthermore, women cite the opportunity to explore the multifaceted nature of their sexuality, including a variety of partners as well as genders, as contributing to their increased sexual satisfaction."

Who can become a consensual non-monogamist?

Certainly not everyone! Before we get into that, I just want us all to remember that human sexuality exists on a spectrum and as such, there is no right or wrong way to love so long as the relationship is consensual and is not - amongst other things - toxic. CNM, whether being in sexual fantasies or real life, may be a way of reviving sexual satisfaction and combating the sexual habituation commonly seen in long-term relationships. Whatever your reason is, it is important to just live your truth.

Now, if you're a person who struggles a great deal with open communication, honesty, trust, and respect, I have bad news for you. These all form the basis of any relationship and if you are out there thinking by switching to CNM you're evading all types of responsibilities then I must have lost you along the way.

"Oh, this is fun - expanding into some new universe where you can pretty much do whatever you want! That's how you feel at first. But you can't do whatever you want because you still have to have respect for every person involved. It's a lot of obligations" - Untrue, Wednesday Martin.

The keywords in this type of arrangement are "explicit"/"informed" and "consent". Everyone involved must go in knowing exactly what the arrangement entails. One also can't go into any type of relationship if they are not securely attached (i.e. if they have an anxious-avoidant attachment type). "Attachment security is linked with stable relationships characterised by high trust, commitment, satisfaction, and intimacy as well as low jealousy."

Remember, human beings thrive under love and [secure] attachment. Sex is fun, I highly recommend having lots of it - safely and without deceit - with those who also want to have it with you. More than two parties involved? Communicate with and respect everyone in the relationship.

Every time I try to conclude a post it feels like I'm ending it abruptly. It also saddens me that I spend hours writing, trying to squeeze in days of research into a few minutes of reading time. I do appreciate your continued support, it means a lot to me. I hope you found this as interesting as I did while writing it. Let me know what your thoughts are. If you liked this, don't forget to click on the heart below, share it with your loved ones as well. Enjoy the rest of your week 💛.

Here are some resources I used for today's post:

Attached to monogamy?

Does monogamy harm women?

Sexology podcast, Dr. Moali

Untrue, Wednesday Martin