It's a dark chilly night and I'm home drinking with family and friends. There's a car parked across the deserted street, I don't know who it belongs to but later I'll be gagged and strapped on its hood by a heterosexual woman who will be having her way with me under the moonlight (I'll spare you the details).
This is no ordinary hetero woman though, she's a Siren - defined by author, Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction as a woman who gives off sex vibrations in whatever she does, says, or thinks, "as if [she] were a woman in the grip of passion." The Siren is "the most ancient and potent seductress of them all. She operates on a man's most basic emotions, and if she plays her role properly, she can transform a normally strong and responsible male into a childish slave. Once the Siren has made herself stand out from others, she must have two other critical qualities: the ability to get the male to pursue her so feverishly that he loses his control; and a touch of the dangerous. Danger is surprisingly seductive."
Hello, everyone! It's sexual fantasy Friday (not an actual thing) and I've already started the conversation by sharing one of my private intimate thoughts with you. So without taking up any more time, let's get into it.
What is a sexual fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is defined as "private mental imagery associated with explicitly erotic feelings, accompanied by a physiological response to sexual arousal." Betty Dodson in her book Sex for One writes that not all fantasies are about sexually explicit acts with people, "mentally we can make love to the moon, the stars, the sun, the clouds, the flowers, the birds [...] Why not?" Researchers further expand on the definition of sexual fantasies by discussing their "range from brief thoughts or images to stories with detailed plotlines. They may deal with actual past experiences, purely imagined experiences, or a mixture of both."
Older literature classified sexual fantasies as a type of sexual dysfunction and/or sexual deviation which could result in psychosis or neurosis. This comes as no surprise because very little was understood about human sexuality then.
Why do we have them?
People have sexual fantasies for different reasons. Here are some reasons according to the literature:
- Dissociation or escape from reality
- Facilitate arousal
- Enhance arousal
- Increase attractiveness of sex partner(s)
- Provide a basis of comparison for prior sexual experiences
- Curiosity about different sexual experiences and sensations
- To meet unfulfilled sexual needs
- To express or fulfill a socially taboo sexual desire
- To block out distractions during sex
- To plan out a future sexual encounter
- To relax or reduce anxiety
See more on Why Do People Have Sexual Fantasies. For whatever reason, fantasising is an extremely common and great way to enhance sexual experience and pleasure. This may be in the context of solo-, partner-sex, or both.
People usually ask if they should be sharing their fantasies with partners and the answer to that is you absolutely don't have to. These are private thoughts and no one should be forcing them out of you so share only if you're comfortable doing so. These fantasies are meant to enhance your pleasure and do not depend on your partner's participation. This means that you're free to imagine whatever you like without social, practical, and legal constraints or fears of embarrassment, criticism, and rejection. Through fantasies, we allow our creative minds to explore the limitless field of sexual desire that exists beyond reality constraints and how we actually choose to have sex (Betty Dodson). For these reasons, fantasies may provide a clearer picture (than actual sexual behaviour) of what a person truly finds erotic.
However, as I write this I'm realising that it is extremely important for me to also acknowledge the internal conflict, confusion, and guilt that may result from having what's perceived as 'wrong' or 'sick' fantasies. Some of our fantasies are paradoxical and one good example of such is the rape fantasy.
What is the rape fantasy? (Focus is on women's erotic rape fantasies)
Well, one thing is for certain: it is poorly understood. Rape, as we understand, is a major sexual violation that impacts the victim's life beyond their sexual relationships. It, therefore, becomes so much easier to judge and be disgusted by ourselves or others who have fantasies of this nature. This way, psychological problems may be an unintended outcome of our fantasies because the constant guilt and shame eat away at us.
In trying to understand the nature of these fantasies, researchers defined rape fantasies following the legal definitions of rape and sexual assault which include keywords such as force, nonconsent, coercion, etc. Several theories have also been brought forward to try and explain why some women find fantasies of rape exciting, pleasurable, and sexually arousing. I will only mention two of these theories:
Masochism; sexual gratification from one's own pain/suffering or humiliation. This, however, is not supported by the data showing that women report arousal to be much higher in depictions containing minimal discomfort rather than pain and suffering. Moreover, the vast majority of women have clearly stated that they don't want to be raped in reality.
Sexual blame avoidance; strong labels such as "loose", "easy", "tramp" and "slut" are commonly used in an attempt to restrict and control women's sexual behaviour. This theory suggests that women who have internalised this vile may feel guilty, anxious, or depressed when they initiate sex themselves, even if it's in a fantasy. Consequently, sexual gratification will be inhibited in these women. In an attempt to experience pleasure, these women evade name-calling and guilt by having the fantasy take the form of rape, a forceful act, so they cannot be blamed for what happens.
Some researchers went as far as classifying rape fantasies as either sexual/erotic or fearful/aversive, the latter explained as an attempt to deal with the fear of actual rape by "gaining a sense of control" through the fantasy, preparing for how one might deal with rape. Despite all these theories, rape fantasies are still poorly understood and not frequently talked about. Perhaps there is also a fear amongst researchers that making people aware of the prevalence of such fantasies could reinforce the myth that women want to be raped, thus encouraging male sexual aggression. It has also been argued that avoiding a topic because it is difficult to understand or uncomfortable to discuss sends the false and damaging message that there is something wrong with the women who have these fantasies.
So what exactly differentiates between 'normal' (acceptable) and 'abnormal' fantasies? "The attitude the person has toward the fantasy, their value system, and overall mental health." It may also help to remember that a lot of us imagine things we never intend to experience. If a particular fantasy bothers you, remember you have the power to change the narrative.
Before we end off, I would like to point out that sexual fantasies don't have to be about your partner. Extradyadic fantasies (fantasising about someone other than your current partner) are quite common and they may have nothing to do with the status of your current sex life.
If you want to bring your fantasies to life, discuss this with your partner(s) and be respectful of their decision.
Final word: if you struggle to get ideas for sexual fantasies, try talking to people you're comfortable with and ask them to share their favourite fantasies or best sex experiences with you. Alternatively, you can watch, listen to, or read erotica.
I hope you stay kind to yourselves and find pleasure in making love to all the planets! Have a blessed weekend and I hope you come back for more next time. Stay safe and spread the love.
Here's a list of resources I used (all the articles are from The Journal of Sex Research):
[Books]
- The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene
- Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson
For more exciting insight on sexual fantasies, have a look at:
The concept of rape fantasies is really intriguing. Do you think that a possible psychology behind rape fantasies is that by their nature of being a fantasy, the brutality of the violence that comes with rape is minimised? I could imagine them being constructed by the individual to highlight and focus only on the parts the female/ male would find enjoyable rather than to realise the full scope of what it is or could be in reality. Great Article, Zee.